Blessed Be
by silk1
Summary: This is gonna be R eventually ...just to be sure! River-centric, in the aftermath of Objects in Space Simon and Jayne uneasily settle in some kind of friendship and Simon has to face the possibility that his sister might never be cured
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: See all my other stories! I´d never even pretend to have come up with the brilliance that is Firefly!

Notes: This is dedicated to the wonderful Jayne-gang….You keep my muse ever so busy with all the bunny tossing that I might have to rent another room just for them! You guys are the best ….and since this is for you I hope you'll like it. (Otherwise it would be really embarrassing for me!! Cringe)

**_BLESSED BE_**

It was the last thing Jayne had been expecting to find ….

They had just taken on fresh water the day before and he'd been determined to get at least one good hot shower with " real" water before it had made its way through Serenity's recycling system. That's why he was up at his ungodly hour, before all the other came to the same conclusion. And once Wash and Zoë hit the showers …who knew how long they'd be!

He frowned as he pushed open the heavy sliding doors, a spray of cold water greeting him.

How the hell had anybody managed to best him? Kaylee was sneaky enough and knew him well so maybe she'd …..

It was the last thing he'd been expecting to find, not anything he'd ever hoped to find himself in a shower with.

She sat huddled in the far away corner of the room, all the faucets running ….her clothes soaking wet. Her lips had already taken on a bluish kind of colour….it was the one thing that hinted at how cold she was, considering that the girl was all to pale most of the time anyway.

She gave him a furtive glance, then her eyes returned to staring at the wall, fixated on a point somewhere to his right. Her eyes were wide and round …like she'd been drugged up. Even to him it was blatantly obvious that she was nowhere near okay.

His first impulse was to yell for Simon, but then again …he was pretty much only wearin´ a towel ´round his hips and there was the crazy girl all huddled up and looking like she'd faint any minute …..better not make a ruckus! Judging by his recent track- record nobody was gonna believe that he had nothing to do with her bein´ all wet and shivery……

Better get her out of there by himself and then dispatch her on her merry way …..

"Hey …River?" He reached over, turning off the faucet closest to him…..

How long had she been here like this? The water was colder than ice!

"Girl …..whatcha´ think you're doin´, ha?"

River flinched, but didn't look at him. She pressed her back deeper into the corner, shaking her head.

"Don't …..Don't ….the water scares it away, keeps it from me!"

Jayne frowned at her. What the hell was this all about?

"Gorrammit, girl…I never understand a word you're saying, except for when you imply I'm girl or tell people that things might explode, so what makes you think I can make sense of you now?" he mumbled more to himself.

"I need to keep it away …keep it at bay!" she hissed at him.

"Whatcha goin´ on about?"

River hesitantly lifted her eyes to his scowl, looking at him for a moment with the cold water still pouring down on her. Slowly, ever so slowly, but with the peculiar grace that seemed inherent to all of her movements she lifted her arm, pointing at the wall.

"That…." She whispered, her voice taking on an urgent, strangled quality.

Jayne's frown deepened, but his eyes followed the direction of her pointed finger none the less. There, a few inches from his position squatted a hairy, black spider.

What now? She could think circles around a crazed bounty-hunter but she couldn't figure out how to get rid of a spider?

Sure the thing was not really a pleasure to look at and upon closer inspection turned out to be about as big as his fist but ….it was just a ruttin´ animal…..at least it wasn´t a rat!

"Spidery fingers ….creeping over me, over my thoughts. Nasty thoughts crawling like spiders….probing… and I can't push them, can't run or hide…all tied down in their web. Now my hands are untied but they tied my tongue, filled my head with their webbing …and…all I can do is scream."

Jayne´s eyes went back to her huddled form on the floor, her whole body shaking from the cold. She was truly and goodly scared of that ugly critter. He knew it wasn't just that, the animal sure did trigger some bad memory, even he could see that.

"Scattering around …over me, inside my head…..tearing at me with their looks and their spidery fingers." She gave a small whimper, biting her lip. "It's watching me!"

"Well if it bothers you so much….." he said with shrug, moving towards the spider.

Damn thing hadn't moved the whole time, probably even more scared than the doctor's crazy sister! But if that was the obstacle that stood between his shower and her leaving the gorram´ room, he'd take care of it. He wasn't squeamish about things like that…..if not for River, he'd probably have to get rid of it for Kaylee anyway.

"No killing, no squashing …"

She might be scared of it and she wanted the spider gone ….still, she didn't want it dead.

There she was all scared and cold and crazy, in the worst position imaginable: At his mercy…..and still she'd ask him to not harm the thing that had caused her pain and distress or some kind of episode. There she was looking at him without pretence; with some kind of unjustified trust that not only he'd help her, but that he'd also do it on her terms!

_How much more proof did one need that she completely off her nut?_

_What was the darn girl thinking, permitting of course that she'd have a clear, consistent thought for a second? _

_What did she think where she was? This was a ruttin´ spaceship, there was no window or garden or some such …he couldn't just set the ruttin´critter free or anything!_

" Please….."

It was the please that did him in, added so very softly almost like an afterthought. He looked back over his shoulder and she met his impatient gaze with those doe's eyes of hers and all that vulnerability painted clearly across her face.

Rolling his eyes he carefully caught the spider between his hands and carried it out of the room. He set it free to skitter away on the catwalk above the cargo bay, hoping that now that the obstacle was gone, she'd follow suit.

But when he returned, River was still huddled in the corner whispering to herself….

Jayne looked at her, turning the other faucets off, moving very slowly so as not to spook her. Part of him was still anxious that something …anything might set her off.

"Thing´s gone now …..see." He pointed at the spiderless wall." You can just …..go…."

She gave him an inquisitive look. Jayne rolled his eyes.

"I didn't squash the ruttin´ thing, okay?" After a while she nodded, still shivering all over from the cold.

_Why the hell was she still here huddled up like that? _

He looked down at her, hair all wet, her clothes all soaked…..Mal was gonna rip him a new one if he'd let her just sit here, maybe catch pneumonia or something.

"C'mon….girl. Let's get you outta here and have your brother take care of that mess, ha? You look like some drowned rat!"

He squatted down, still keeping his distance, holding out his hand to help her up. River looked at his hand, then up into his face and at his hand again. Looking at it as though she was evaluating his proposition, inspecting his hand for a moment until she reached out one arm, shaky from the cold water and took his hand. But instead of letting him help her to his feet she moved towards him in some sort of crawling motion, leaning against him for support.

Suddenly Jayne was very aware that he was nearly naked, despite the fact that she was drenched in ice cold water.

River Tam might be a lot of things; kind of insane for one, a knife wielding madwoman, but first and foremost she was a girl. A pretty one at that …her purple dress completely soaked, clinging to her delicate body…..

Jayne could feel all the muscles in his body going tense as the sodden material of her dress brushed up against his thigh and chest. She must have noticed because she looked at him abruptly, her fingertips resting on his chest, right over his heart. For a moment her head dipped back as though she was fainting, her eyes closing, concentrating on his heartbeat, his pulse speeding up under her hand…mesmerized

_Oh …now this was ridiculous!_

Jayne gripped her shoulders as resolutely as he dared. River´s head snapped back, her eyes now clear and focused on him.

_He needed to do something! How did this happen to him?_

_Why could she not have her crazy little episodes with somebody else? Why did it always have to be him with the cutting and the threatening?_

"Hey …River….." He was almost tempted to give her a little slap, but he was sure that wouldn't go over well with her …and there was no point to it since it would not bring her to her senses anyway!

Jayne groaned inwardly, pulling her to her feet. She swayed slightly, stumbling against him.

"Can't stand, can ya´?"

For once she was keeping that constantly babbling mouth shut, but her lip was shaking and it had not lost its bluish tint.

He let out a frustrated growl. Fine …he'd take her to her brother but ….

He leaned her against the doorframe for support.

"Look, here's what we're gonna do…" he told her as though he was talking to a child.

" You wait here, while I get me some pants, cause this towel thing is not gonna work for the both of us and your brother won't like it either." River hugged herself, nodding.

"Not worry Simon ….so anxious, wound so tight…."

"Yeah ….know what you mean. Now you wait here!"


	2. Janus

Disclaimer: Like I own any of the brilliance that is Firefly …..It´s all the property of one Joss Whedon!

NOTES: My muse is pretty much evading me lately, this I had to wring from her little hands!

JANUS

She was still leaning where he left her when Jayne returned dressed in the first pair of cargo pants he could find on the floor of his bunk. Was Simon even feeding his sister? The darn girl weighed close to nothing. He had to lean down to pick her up, a shivering bundle, the girl felt as fragile as a tiny lil´ bird. But she had that look on her face again, that questioning look, inspecting his face. Jayne glared down at her, hoping his stare would dissuade her from staring at him, but it didn't work. Her big brown eyes roamed over his face as though searching for something. It made Jayne downright uncomfortable. Most of the things she said did not make sense to him and never would. Not that he would actually be tempted to invest his time or energy into figuring her out.

He just hoped nobody would be up and about as he carried his shivering, clammy load to Simon's cabin.

"Now don't be sayin´ anything along the lines of this being  my fault somehow, ya´ hear me?"

River bit her lip, nodding.

"There was a spider….." she whispered, even her voice sounded shaky and breathless.

" Yeah ..I think we covered that." Jayne growled, making a mental not ever to mention where he sat the ruttin´ thing down  while she was in hearing distance. If this was her usual reaction to creepy crawlers, he'd make damn sure to avoid bein´ anywhere near places where River Tam might encounter one. One drama the likes of this was sure as hell enough for him.

Since he had no hand free to knock on Simon´s door Jayne used his foot to repeatedly bang against the metal. The door swivelled back to reveal the sleep befuddled doctor, his usually well groomed hair standing up at weird angles, tousled from sleep.

Simon's eyes widened as he took in the picture before him. "What have you done?" Simon gasped and somehow Jayne figured that the remark was directed at him instead of River.

"I'll have you know that I didn't do nothing!" Jayne growled back at him. Sure…..as though he had not seen this coming! As usual it was all his fault!

"She's soaking wet!" Simon yelled.

"Will ya keep your gorram´ voice down?" Jayne hissed at him, scanning the corridor from both sides to make sure nobody was being woken up. "I found her like this in the shower! I didn't do nuthin´ , got that?" Simon's eyes narrowed as he looked up at the mercenary who still held his sister in his arms as though she weighed nothing, almost like he had forgotten she was there at all. The doctor opened his mouth to say something unpleasant when River's soft voice cut in very quietly.

"Spider …."

Simon blinked at her, flustered. "What?"

"I went in ….there was nothing, just the call of the water. I wanted to feel the rush, the drops on my skin….cleansing, cooling , but I turned and…..it was there." She swallowed, leaning her head against Jayne's chest as though speaking exhausted her. Simon's eyes flew from her to Jayne and back.

 " Big …nasty spider, coming for me with it's legs, trying to ……" she squeezed her eyes shut. "There was a spider Simon, a big, big spider ……I made the water run and it perched, waiting for me….it froze me."

"Damn ugly critter, but not the biggest one I'd ever seen!" Jayne mumbled and then mentally cursed himself. River's reaction to the words that had been directed at her brother was a strangled squeal. Shaking her head she buried her face in his chest, cold fingers gripping at his shoulders. Simon's eyes widened a bit more.

"Mei- Mei …don´t!" he said, trying to give his voice a soothing sound, but there was anger perceptible in his tone. Jayne could tell. He frowned, trying to think of a way to extract himself from this situation as smoothly as possible.

"Found her huddled in the corner of the showers, cold water running at full blast. It took the damn thing out, but she could hardly move from the cold ….."

Simon swallowed, nodding slightly.

"Thank you…..She …..she was afraid of spiders as long as I can remember. She always was so fearless in everything else that sometimes I just…." The young doctor sighed, giving Jayne and River another once over look before he stepped aside.

"Can you put her down on the bed…..I´ll need to get her out of those clothes and…" Simon stopped himself, giving Jayne a hard, serious look. "Just sit her down on the bed. I´ll get a heating blanked from the lab."

Jayne shrugged, still holding her without effort, but the cold water still running from River´s hair and dress was starting to seep into the cloth of his pants and her face was still buried in his chest. This was not a situation he wanted to be caught up in, but he couldn´t very well growl at her to let go of him if he wanted this to go down smooth with her brother.

Simon watched Jayne with unease, but finally hurried off to get the blanket while Jayne tried to unclasp River's cold hands from his neck.

He kneeled down on the floor, sitting her down on the bed. Time for Simon´s things to get all soaked in ice water. The mercenary couldn´t help but grin at that.

"There ya go." Jayne said more to himself, straitening up, but River´s hand shot forward with surprising speed. She caught a hold of  neck again, holding him at eye level with her. Jayne blinked in surprise.

"Think we had enough of this for now….." he grumbled, moving to pry her fingers loose.

River shook her head very slowly, putting her other hand on his to still his attempt.

" Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……" She might be cold, but the breath that caressed Jayne´s face was warm and sweet. He shot her an impatient glare, suddenly caught by those big doe- eyes  again. From up close her face was heart- wrenchingly beautiful in its openness and delicacy. Long, dark lashes framed her wide eyes like lace, her skin flawless like expensive china.  The thought of how much a man would have to pay on some planets, in order to lay a finger on skin as unblemished and smooth as this, crossed Jayne's mind.

 She shook her head, leaning forward to  lay a gentle kiss right on his mouth, a fleeting touch so quick that Jayne didn´t even have the time to contemplate a reaction.

"Thank you….." she said very softly, nodding at him with sad expression on her face. She meant it. Jayne stared at her in confusion, trying to make sense of it.

And that moment …Jayne felt something in him click, like a switch….

It was as though the world shifted just ever so slightly, changing focus …..changing view. He looked at River Tam and didn´t just see the doctor's moon brained, crazy sister anymore. Up close, looking into those dark eyes that gazed back at him intently, Jayne saw another River Tam; a confused, sad girl who was sometimes all to aware of the fact that she had no control over her own body or mind. In her eyes, her expression he could see the confusion, but also the anger and frustration that came with it ……anger at herself, because she wasn´t strong enough to break through the shell that kept her from whomever she might have been.

Jayne swallowed, as her tiny hand fell away from his shirt and straightened himself.

For a moment he glowered down at her, wanting to yell at her very much or hit something out of pure frustration.

 Damn her to hell! Why did she had to be there in the shower and why did she have to make him see?

The truth was, Jayne would have been completely satisfied with continuing to think that her bein´ crazy was all there was to the ruttin´girl! He was not a thinker. He was the brawn, not the brains of this whole gang …..Sometimes it bothered him, but mostly he liked bein´ the last line of defence. He didn´t like to ponder things or brood over them for days, like Mal. Now he couldn´t look at her ever again without thinking about that other side of her bein´ crazy…..of the girl he had seen. Something about her appealed to him and he did not like it, he did not need complications like that.

"Got me good there, didn´t  ya´?" he rumbled at her. River looked up at him, with a serious expression.

"Two sides to everything. You knew that …. just thought it was easier not to see…", she whispered, shivering.

Jayne scoffed, crossing his arms in front of his naked, damp chest. What he resented the  most about this was her being right

. " Thank you …" she said again, lying back down, curling up on Simon´s bed in a fetal position. Jayne couldn't help but grin at that…..no matter how fast Simon returned, his bed and sheets were gonna be soaked in cold water.


	3. underneath

DISCLAIMER: Joss Owns all .......Nuff said!

NOTES: Well this took forever ..and it´s short! But at least the Muse is stirring! Not my best work, but a start .....Sorry to keep anyone waiting!

**Underneath**

She was singing ....to herself. Sitting in the dark on the kitchen table, her legs kicking into thin air. She was singing in that tiny, whispery voice that sounded so much like a child's, fingers weaving through her dark hair, inspecting each strand with mesmerized, astounded eyes.

River Tam was singing.....and it was like nothing he had ever heard; the sweetest sound, the most disturbing all the same. She was repeating the song like a nursery rhyme or a limerick, only longer, singing about things he had never seen. Things he sure didn´t understand .....part gibberish, part rhymes in strange places.

Some part of him argued that he was supposed to be angry, that a good yellin´at was in order, but somehow ....since he had found her in the shower a few days ago; looking like a measly, half- drowned little rat, since he had looked into her wide doe´s eyes and ...understood ....yellin´at her seemed to have dropped off the list of possible reactions.

Woke him up she did, but now that he was creeping up out of her sight, Jayne could not help but long to hear more.

_Tonight ...you wear your dragon dress, _

_Each movement turning into small caress_

_As quicksilver, artificial skin hugs_

_Your white shoulders and wind obediently tugs_

_Into place your shining garb and silken hair._

_The court awakes to more than mere_

_Magic and beauty when you walk the hall_

_A thousand creatures answering to your call_

_Eagerly awaiting your command_

_Without a word; a simple show of hand_

_Will suffice to rule your darkling throng._

_T´ís a fact well known: The queen is strong_

_Enough; no rope, no chains could hold_

_Her rage. So thousands of wings unfold _

_At a smile that puts the stars to shame._

_And who could blame all those who came_

_From far and wide, who sought_

_To catch your wandering eye? Only to be caught_

_In your net of glamour, witchery and night_

_Too bedazzled by your grace to fight._

_And yet, there is no thing more real_

_Than your striking beauty, they all feel_

_The pull of it like moon and tide._

_So you demand and we abide._

_Each sound, each pillow whispered secret takes to flight_

_Like fireflies, to find your ear_

_And you amuse yourself with what you hear_

_Until you summon ghosts from the abyss_

_Who rise and waken to your kiss._

_No mortal eye has ever seen_

_More perfection than is you, my queen._

_No mortal man could ever boast to have laid eyes upon,_

_The queen of air and darkness and her darkling throng._

"She made that up when she was twelve....." Jayne whirled around to find Simon crouching in the corridor behind him, his back leaning against a bulwark, his face buried in his hands. The young man´s voice sounded tired....drained. The raw whisper had spooked Jayne quite good and it annoyed the mercenary to some extent. What had things come to if even the doctor could sneak up on him like that?

Both men looked at each other for a moment, both ready to ask what the other one was doing there.....but they didn´t.

In the other room River started the sing-song over again, apparently unaware of her secret listeners.

"Thought it was some crazy babble or a child´s song......" Jayne returned without thinking. It had sounded pretty enough, but one never knew with her .....

Simon shook his head, a smile breaking on his weary face.

"It´s a poem she made up after our father read Spencer´s "Faerie Queen" to her. She became obsessed with it ....I even made her wings so she could wear them on a new year´s celebration."

"All this from some fairy- tale?" The doctor caught Jayne´s blank stare and chuckled.

"It´s a poem, a very old one the poet wrote in praise of his queen, it´s like .....It´s very, very old."

Jayne´s brown knit together in impatience. He didn't care much for all that education the doctor constantly had to wave into everyone's face.

Schooling was for rich people and useless to the common, hard- working man, or so his daddy had always repeated. Too much schooling made you soft and worthless, might even make you a coward......or a weakling......

Mum, now she had had taken a different view; a strong body was nothing without a strong mind, she had always whispered to Jayne and his brother. She had gone to school, she had read them stories in front of the fire in cold winter nights.....She had made sure that Jayne could read and write.

But Jayne could hardly see how his high education would benefit Simon in his current situation, being on the run from the alliance and all.

The words that floated through the corridor towards them sounded pretty enough, but whether they had great meaning or not, did not make an ounce of different out here in the black.

He stared at the doctor in silence for a moment, until some other meaning of Simon´s train of thought came to his attention.

"So she remembers stuff? That a good sign?" he asked roughly.

Simon´s eyes narrowed for a moment at the unexpected inquiry, but he had to admit that it made a degree of sense he had not been expecting from Jayne.

"It might ...." He answered softly, getting to his feet. Jayne nodded, listening to her singing for a moment before he shrugged his shoulders.

"I figure you gotta be pretty damn smart to make something like that up still bein´a child, ha?"

"I wasn´t boasting when I said that my sister was a genius. By the time she was ten she was already correcting my essays for school. River is ...." Simon stopped, hesitating. A look of pain passed over his face before he corrected himself and went on.

"She was ....always an avid reader, even when she was very, very young. She ......liked Grimm´s fairytales and ancient myths and legends, but she would just absorb them like a sponge and then .... She got tired of that children´s material, as though it had become too simple for her, like she was craving knowledge just like other people crave food. She would read everything she could get her hands on...my books and once she was done she just moved on to my father´s library .....Keats, Shelley, Byron .....She loved poetry the most. My father was so proud of her .....but ....."

A shadow passed over Simon´s face and he looked at his feet.

"It scared my mother......how fast River seemed to learn, how intelligent she was. She said a nine year old should not understand Shakespeare ..it was not meant to be."

Jayne looked at the doctor, nodding to himself.

"Too smart for her own good, ha?"

He looked up at Jayne, who stood a few feet away, one muscular shoulder leaning against the wall, arm crossed in front of his massive chest. The mercenary´s face was set in the surly lines Simon was slowly growing accustomed to as he was listening to River´s repeated rendition.

"It wasn´t just that, I think. River ....she could loose herself in reading for hours, as though she was in her very own world."

He fell silent, looking at his feet. He did not have to say the words, but even if he was just thinking them, it did not make them less true.

She seemed to be in her own world now .....caught up in it so completely that she could not find a way out again.....and he had no way of leading her. She was there but still removed from him, he could hold her and still .....not really touch her. Sometimes he felt that despite them using the same words, River was speaking another language.....that there had to be a hidden meaning in what she said; signs, pointers she was giving him. He had been unable to decipher them, unable to understand his only sister.....unable to help. Deep inside, doubt was gnawing away at Simon´s belief in his abilities as a doctor and brother. He could not say it, could not give way to this doubt because once he voiced them to anybody, he might make them true.....make them fact.

He would fail her ...

Deep inside Simon Tam felt that with every passing day he was failing his sister more.


End file.
